ahhh, the silvery-gray-blue, shimmering, glimmering, undulating sea…rolling in impossibly smooth ripples across the vast dove-grayness of the horizon. It's a mesmerizing palette, large slate gray cumulus clouds in the distance…so soft, muted, quiet, soothing…the bath I can't have, but i don't know why.
the beach is a graveyard of shells. clams large enough to be eaten, and so small they're barely hatched. all the same but different, like snowflakes. it's ridiculous to collect them but i have a few.
i used to think about stressful things on my walks. now i can think about simpler things…it's good…a nice walk isn't always the time to be disturbed, although probably more appropriate than the middle of the night.
i've become such a passive observer, a non-thinker of deep thoughts…one might say, thoughts that matter. i lack the energy for argument, focusing on staying calm and trying to determine what i should do with the rest of my life. i still think about what i read, but i don't put forth on the subjects anymore. i recall a time i was impassioned—i miss that innocence and idealism and intensity. i also miss the simplicity.
"the rest of my life"—- a casual phrase generally associated with one's hunt for a suitable partner, real estate, or career. what to do…how to act, how to feel, how to engage with everyone around me.
i pretty much stopped drinking the past few years, trying to conceive (later, a post about all my friends having babies within the year). i didn't miss it too much then, knowing it was a matter of choice. i liked scotch, and wine, not really cocktails. lately i want a cocktail—a good-tasting, strong concoction, something fruity but not too sweet, robust with alcohols. it sounds so good to tie one on—it's been so long, but i distinctly recall how nice a good buzz feels—the kind that doesn't whip you the next day. i do so long for that. i couldn't join my husband in a birthday bender the other night, and i felt like i should get to. who knows how many more birthdays i'll have with him? but, i want to get well. i still need that attitude as regards dessert—
so, i'm a whiner, passive observer, obsessive worry-wart, procrastinator, indecisive, non-thinker of deep thoughts, wondering what i should do with the rest of my life, needing a cocktail right about now.
NOT a good combination.
"The year rolled on and doesn't bear thinking about. Suffice to say the words surgery, hospitals, deaths…Go, bad year. May the stars realign.
"…I am going to Spain for a winter month in Andalucia. Andalucia, land of the orange and the olive tree. Land of passionate poets and flamenco dancers and late-night dinners wth guitar music in jasmine-scented gardens."
—- Frances Mayes, A Year in the World
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