make it a double.

ahhh, the silvery-gray-blue, shimmering, glimmering, undulating sea…rolling in impossibly smooth ripples across the vast dove-grayness of the horizon.  It's a mesmerizing palette, large slate gray cumulus clouds in the distance…so soft, muted, quiet, soothing…the bath I can't have, but i don't know why.

the beach is a graveyard of shells.  clams large enough to be eaten, and so small they're barely hatched.  all the same but different, like snowflakes.  it's ridiculous to collect them but i have a few.

i used to think about stressful things on my walks.  now i can think about simpler things…it's good…a nice walk isn't always the time to be disturbed, although probably more appropriate than the middle of the night.

i've become such a passive observer, a non-thinker of deep thoughts…one might say, thoughts that matter.  i lack the energy for argument, focusing on staying calm and trying to determine what i should do with the rest of my life.  i still think about what i read, but i don't put forth on the subjects anymore.  i recall a time i was impassioned—i miss that innocence and idealism and intensity.  i also miss the simplicity.  

"the rest of my life"—- a casual phrase generally associated with one's hunt for a suitable partner, real estate, or career.  what to do…how to act, how to feel, how to engage with everyone around me.

i pretty much stopped drinking the past few years, trying to conceive (later, a post about all my friends having babies within the year).  i didn't miss it too much then, knowing it was a matter of choice.  i liked scotch, and wine, not really cocktails.  lately i want a cocktail—a good-tasting, strong concoction, something fruity but not too sweet, robust with alcohols.  it sounds so good to tie one on—it's been so long, but i distinctly recall how nice a good buzz feels—the kind that doesn't whip you the next day.  i do so long for that.  i couldn't join my husband in a birthday bender the other night, and i felt like i should get to.  who knows how many more birthdays i'll have with him?  but, i want to get well.  i still need that attitude as regards dessert—

so, i'm a whiner, passive observer, obsessive worry-wart, procrastinator, indecisive, non-thinker of deep thoughts, wondering what i should do with the rest of my life, needing a cocktail right about now.

NOT a good combination.

************

"The year rolled on and doesn't bear thinking about.  Suffice to say the words surgery, hospitals, deaths…Go, bad year.  May the stars realign.

"…I am going to Spain for a winter month in Andalucia. Andalucia, land of the orange and the olive tree.  Land of passionate poets and flamenco dancers and late-night dinners wth guitar music in jasmine-scented gardens."

—- Frances Mayes, A Year in the World

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One thought on “make it a double.

  1. well i can certainly understand your desire to have a bender with the husband…sometimes alcohol can make the world seem better, though, more tolerable. a kind of social lubricant.
    but it can the opposite effect, of course…
    and i think we are ALL passive observers to some extent and that is part of life, too: people who don't observe are called sociopaths!

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