Cycle 11 – No change

And Doc Simmons still firmly believes I'm on the placebo.  He gave me a card to a restaurant he recommends highly.  Angeline's Louisiana Kitchen is over on Shattuck—Berkeley northside I think.  Like I said, I love that we talk about other things besides the tumor that's now 4 cm.  It was 7cm back in August before I started chemo.  No change to the bone lesions, and no new ones.  He's getting really impatient.  He did refer me to a podiatrist for my sore left instep.  Sounds like I fractured it long ago and ignored it.  Now there's something like a bone spur on my instep.  Anyway, nothing about the cough.  Maybe it's allergies?

My confusion has to do with the size of the large tumor.  On Valentine's Day, Rosalie (the clinical trial nurse) said the tumor had shrunk to 5.2 cm.  I just read on the report that at the last scan, it was 4.1cm.  Is she confusing me with someone else?  I'd rather have 4 cm, of course, but this time, she said, "Your scan looked great!"  I suppose I could read the report from February, to see what's what, but the current report says quite clearly, in parenthesis, that the previous measurement was 4.1cm.

Anyway, I spent a couple of hours with my friend Grace on Friday, and part of it was spent sniffing perfumes at Bloomingdale's.  I can't say for sure, but I believe this was the cause of the migraine that set in shortly after, which plagued me all weekend.  My sinuses opened up this morning, allowing me a couple of hours of sleep, finally.

Note to self: no more perfume sampling.  This will also prevent me from spying any more $1600 handbags I may try to justify buying.  (The justification is also the impediment:  I'm dying therefore I should enjoy it; I'm dying, so why should I acquire more possessions?)  (There's the opposite argument, which is, "Buy and enjoy if that's what you feel.  You don't know WHEN you'll die…etc.)  (This is an interminable argument)

As for other expensive things…I want to make plans to travel, but it's difficult to make last minute plans, and making long-term plans is sketchy, as I can't predict where I'll be in, say, 3 months.  Aaarrrggghhh.

There's a new travel show based on the book by the same name, but it really ought to be called, "1000 places to see before you die—in 6 months or less."

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4 thoughts on “Cycle 11 – No change

  1. Jazz,
    I am going to take the shrinking tumor as good news.
    Spending? Well, if I had cash I probably would probably experience the same conflict you do. Travel? I was just told by a doctor that it might me good gor me to get away for a few days. I immediately thought "Hey, what are you not telling me?" I calmed down and better sense prevailed. I am going to take inspiration from your quote from Lao Tzu.
    Thinking of you … jp

  2. must be an odd sensation to have to attach such importance to a few centimeters because it matters so much!
    i say spend the money on trips! i mean, those are how memories are made, aren't they? an expensive handbag might look nice but how often do we lay in bed, reminiscing about old handbags from our pasts? we are much more likely to think back about that special weekend we spent at that cute hotel in cannon beach and how we picked cattails in the breeze….

  3. 4.1 is certainly better than 7. Have you been trying any of the meditation? I have been having great success with some of my health issues using Andrew Weil's Healing with Guided Imagery CDs. Mine is more autoimmune, but six weeks of guided nightly meditation have done more for me than six months of medication, supplements, self deprivation, and accupuncture combined.As far as the shopping goes, believe it or not, I have a similar argument with myself even though I don't have cancer. I really like something but I don't really need it. I have the money to buy it but I should really save it for something else. Maybe you could buy it, admire it for a few days, and then return it. 🙂 Or maybe a smaller splurge like a really nice wallet or some new makeup or whatever makes you feel pretty.

  4. Holding is better than growing. I believe in the healing power of a good handbag. Besides if you aren't around to enjoy it much longer Mike can use it for a fancy lunchbox that will always remind him of you. It's the girl version of a boat or Rickenbacher.

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