Black October

It just can't end fast enough.  This has been a horrible month—the fires, my mother's illness, the progression of my friend's lung cancer (she found me through Vox, and we're Stage IV sistahs, moving from one treatment to another), my friend getting scammed by Disney…we could really use a respite.

Life is swirling about me in a most confusing array of events and circumstances.  I feel numb, too afraid to give in to emotions for fear of being swept into despair.  I'm sure I can say this only because I feel well right now—well enough to actually feel deeply something other than fear, anger, or emptiness at the uncertainty my condition has foisted upon my future.

I want to help, yet feel so helpless.  I can hope, but how can I give my mother the will to live?  We are hundreds of miles apart, and my father's part of the problem, rather than the solution.

I'm sure I can't imagine the despair of those who have lost their homes in the fires.  Christopher, Dave, Donna, Dawn, Tony, Cheryl, Susan, Vicky, Joan, Sammy, Judge Dest—-I hope your homes and families were spared.  Somehow I get the feeling some of you weren't that lucky.   Keith, good thing you moved from Stevenson Ranch to Catalina Island. 

In a strange way, it would almost be easier for me to lose the stuff I care about in a fire than trying to figure out who to give it to when I go.  I guess it's not a huge burden if you give someone something worthless to them.  They just get rid of it.  I once worked at a nursing home where a mother and a daughter both resided.  When the mother passed, her daughter invited me to her mom's house to take anything I wanted.  I took 4 things—I still have 2 of them (the bowl broke and I foolishly left the painted cart in SF and never retrieved it).  I cherish the painting and the lamp, and have often wondered who would cherish them as much as I.  I've had them for 20 years. But I'm weird that way.

Well, the leaves are turning, the pumpkins line my porch, Dungeness crab season approaches…and the holidays are upon us. 

I am grateful I've made it to another Halloween.  If I can make it just a little longer, my husband and I will have been together a decade.

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6 thoughts on “Black October

  1. Well if it means anything to you, my house and family are fine. I was horrified to find out though after being evacuated for a week that my wife was still in the house when I got back.

  2. So many families – and it's the families who will suffer from these fires – lost their homes, and mine is fine. I'm single – not even a cat – and could afford, emotionally and financially, to have my house burn. But the wind and the flames spin like a roulette wheel, and God and luck only know who will "win" and who will "lose."Anyway… Happy belated Halloween!

  3. wow, it's so interesting to go into a place and be able to take what you want. did you just take things you liked or was there some sentimental reason attached to your choices (you knew this woman relatively well, right)?
    i have the opposite problem: i hate stuff and i get all shifty when i have too much stuff. some people say that's good, but what it means is that i am never attached anywhere. that's bad. i wish i had a bowl i'd care about getting broken…

  4. I was young and naive—I was embarrassed to take any more than I did, not really being family and all. I just took things I liked. I'm actually amazed, after all these years, at the choices I made! I had good taste once!

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