Getting up early is always amazing to me. I'm not a morning person, so it's difficult, but I get alot done around the house. Of course it could just be that I'm on pre-chemo steroids (and am pushing myself as usual).
The aftermath of Betsy's sudden passing is a keen introspection I can indulge for a few days while the hubby's in Canada. I've pulled out the old "cancer" books, rereading passages. Most talk about the new realization of what Time means ("Time isn't money—Time is Everything"). I'm supposed to regard cleaning house, websurfing, and going to obligatory but not entertaining events no longer so important, I should let them go. As I did laundry to prepare for Mike's trip and start the mega-cleaning binge for the impending arrival of guests, I wonder to myself why I feel a constant urge to clean. Part of it is this teeny, tiny house with no closet space, forcing me to constantly rearrange in order to keep the clutter under control. But maybe there's something weirdly meditational about it, or, I just feel a sense of relief and calm when the place is tidy. Not sure, but early rising is a great way to accomplish the zillions of tiny details that can get annoying when left unattended.
The service for Betsy is in Tahoe, which is at about 6200 feet. I'd like to go, but it would be imprudent to go alone, in the event I have an elevation-related catastrophe (pulmonary embolism, black out, etc?). On the other hand, if I do ok, maybe I can go to New Mexico after all, which would be awesome. I also feel sort of shy about going, but that's not really a deterrent.
Am I "living" every moment, now that I've had a constant stream of wake-up calls since March? I don't know. Does finally planting the plants soaking in water on your kitchen windowsill for a year count as "living"? How about cutting down the tall weeds in the front yard (there's no groundcover so they're prominent)? Or applying for all the various and sundry financial things I should've done many moons ago? Or sorting through and shredding tons of old paperwork? When I'm on my deathbed will I be glad I did that, or wish I'd spent those hours doing something else (by myself, since everyone's at work or lives far away or both). Ah, the quandary. The point is, it won't get done unless I do it, and it's piled up to the point where a little bonfire in the gas grill may be the way to go.
So off I go to do more of those funky, never-ending chores. Then I'll go to Chemo and find out about my last CT scan, continue reading The Golden Compass, maybe watch a movie the hubby won't, and take a long bath. And ponder what other things I should do to really "live", besides praying and being grateful for what I've had to this point.
And speaking of being grateful, the American Cancer Society Relay for Life Alameda is on June 21st at Encinal High School. I plan on walking the Survivor Lap with survivor friends (remember, that term is for all those touched by cancer—patients, caregivers, friends, cured people) and going to brunch afterwards. I hope I don't spend the whole time crying, thinking of everyone I know/have lost in battle with this insidious disease. There's a luminaria-lighting ceremony afterwards as well. More info: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RelayForLifeCaliforniaDivision/1798966051?pg=entry&fr_id=4112
Time to stop thinking so much.