I spent the past few days cleaning house, and the last few hours paying bills and otherwise tying up loose ends in preparation for entering treatment this week, possibly today.
It's just occurred to me that these are the last moments of my "break" from treatment…shouldn't I spend them doing something else?
I've enjoyed being free of side effects the past couple of months. In exchange for the rash on scalp and skin, crusty eyes in the morning, super dry skin everywhere, loss of head hair, unusual growth of facial hair, a bit of nausea (from Alimta anyway) etc…I got pain (which I really didn't have while on treatment). In a strange way, I think I might've felt "perkier" while on Tarceva, although I've probably blocked from memory the days I didn't feel all that great. My overall impression while on treatment was that I felt pretty good. Side effects in the beginning of the year were getting pretty intense though.
What I'm hoping for is to feel pretty good after the initial side effects. In a way, it's more of a new beginning than a return to something. Believing the idea of being disease-free or in remission isn't a good idea, because it's false (miracles not withstanding). But anytime a break is possible, I think I'd still celebrate it.
So should I have drank a bunch of wine since I can't drink while on treatment? Or should I have stopped drinking to prepare my body to accept treatment? Is it the end or a beginning? Both, I guess. The real beginning was 3 years ago, and the end… I keep trying to push back.