The last day of 2009

It'll be a full moon tonight, a Blue Moon on New Year's Eve.  Once again I wonder where the year went.  I can barely remember being off treatment, sometime in the summer.  More vivid is the memory of the (painful) bone biopsy and making our first offer on a house the next day (I hobbled around with a cane).  And more significant is the lingering feeling of having wasted that precious time house hunting!  But anyway.  Here we are.

It used to be a goal of mine to wake up in a place I'd never been on New Year's Day (and no, not on the floor of some place I don't recall going).  I had a romantic notion of walking the quiet, rainy streets – or maybe sunny streets – of Rome or Tahiti or hell, I don't know…some far off land, on New Year's Day while everyone else slept their hangovers away.  I always thought that would set the tone for the rest of the year, or at least I traveled somewhere that year, if that was the only chance.  Alas, on the rare occasion the hubby's home on New Year's Eve, he's living his dream (being home).  So much for that idea.  That said, I haven't entirely lost sight of what's truly important.  Or have I?
I just received an e-mail from my oncologist, thanking me for some stuff I left for him. 

"Thanks for actual food and the proverbial food for thought.

You have done very well with living your life being aware of the cancer and keeping it from being your primary focus.

You are an amazing person and our team recognizes how fortunate we are to work with you. We have learned from you as well.

Again, thanks for your many gifts. Best to your husband,

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year…"

Everyone seems happy to see 2009 go, but this time last year everyone was excited about Obama's inauguration and the end of 2008, which seemed truly awful.  
Well, this might rank as the most boring New Year's Eve I've ever had.  It's too cold to take the boat out to SF Bay to watch fireworks, and it's supposed to rain (although it seems dry to me).  The best thing about today was hanging out in the afternoon with an old friend from work days.
Either way, we're all still here, and that's very much to be joyful about, possibly more than I could even hope for!

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Privacy rampage

I've deactivated my FB account.  It's a time-waster, although I've found many people I haven't thought of in years.  I have a storage tote full of greeting cards and in the process of digging out Xmas ones, I found an old Hello Kitty phone book.  Wow, what a journey through the past.  Now that that's out of the way, I freaked out and started cleaning up my profiles.  At this point I want to disappear into the woodwork.  Alas, I think the web might be rife with all manner of inaccurate (and correct) info linked to my name.  Scary.  I just want to shake it off.  Maybe I'll change my name to something like Tuesday Friday…

As for sending out cards…just not feeling it.  The hubby thinks I'm insane – he hates cards (and I mean HATE), it's certainly time-consuming, but it's nice to send them to relatives and folks I don't communicate with regularly.  I have to do them when he's gone, otherwise I have to bear constant taunting.  It's fun to receive pretty ones…he thinks it 
creates clutter.  He's not big on photos, either, but I think it's just a display issue.  (If it doesn't look artistic, don't bother – he is most unsentimental)
Sigh.  I've got to get in the right frame of mind!

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what really matters

it's a rainy day, christmas season.  my soul is plagued by a recurrent emptiness.  there's absolutely NOTHING on tv, i've checked books and dvd's out from the library…but feel guilty watching a movie.  the kitchen is overrun by ants, the husband's in New Orleans, i'm supposed to be doing christmas-y stuff…but i just don't feel like it.

after all this time, it occurs to me that i'm truly concerned with the question of my brother.  my parents are old, i'm supposedly terminal and not working, and he's mentally ill and unable to control his illogical impulses.  i feel like there should be something more, but then it seems, like my own condition, that there isn't anything else to help him.
then there's this whole holiday thing.  i don't feel like celebrating.  not in the typical way.  i want to celebrate winter—water for the land, the novelty and beauty of snow, the change of season…and yes, the spiritual element.  But even that – i'd rather celebrate in a private way.  i feel like snowshoeing and communing with nature in Yosemite and saying Thanks for another year would be more truthful and heartfelt than the usual.
Maybe i'm just unprepared.  maybe i just needed to vent.  maybe i just need to drink tea and listen to Harry Potter books and continue thinking about the year ahead.  maybe i need to sort out my priorities, write out a will, really make each day count.  If I did that, i could actually collect social security and help my brother more than i am now.  i could clear stuff out…

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