Rather than try to catch up August in one post, I’ll just start with the moment and go from there.
This is a straightforward – and touching – article which succinctly describes the plight of those struggling with lung cancer. It’s not unsentimental, but it’s certainly not dramatic either. I’ve put off buying shoes for years, wondering if I’d ever wear the dozens of shoes in my closet that still look brand new. I bought three pairs in the space of a week, so overcome was I at the sorry and pathetic state of my shabby footwear. Yet, it seems silly. The damn shoes will probably outlive me, and I should be giving things away. Somehow it feels like surrender, which I’m not ready to do. I’m now thin enough to fit back into things I haven’t worn in five years…which is actually a bad sign (for cancer patients). Strapless summer dresses which expose the scary hyperpigmented areas of skin – scars from taking Alimta and Tarceva; Mod clothing from prehistory…fashion indulgences from a time when I could dream.
I guess that’s what disease robs us of – dreams – of the future, of frivolity, of even the most mundane things. Mostly, I hate feeling silly for dreaming, yet I can’t help doing either. Which brings me back to the article. My refrigerator has been on its last leg for a while, but it seems silly to buy a new one, under the circumstances. Appliances are utilitarian to me – they mean nothing unless they enhance a particular interest (in my case, cooking/baking – so a professional, high BTU, 6-burner gas stove with down-draft vent and smokeless grill, outdoor pizza oven, or a warming drawer might excite me). Even then, it’s still ridiculous under the circumstances. I’d rather go to Italy or New Guinea.
There. With that rant out of the way, I think I better eat some chocolate and be more cheerful in the next post.
And to all you dear friends out there, I’m still breathing (barely), but my lungs sounds like a f*%#ing orchestra of woodwinds and percussion. Oncology appointment on Monday to determine if I should stay on this clinical trial or move on! Thanks for nudging me…I’ve been wondering whether to keep the whining to myself. Happy to torture the world-wide web with continuous rants!