“The last refrigerator”

Rather than try to catch up August in one post, I’ll just start with the moment and go from there.

This is a straightforward – and touching – article which succinctly describes the plight of those struggling with lung cancer.  It’s not unsentimental, but it’s certainly not dramatic either.  I’ve put off buying shoes for years, wondering if I’d ever wear the dozens of shoes in my closet that still look brand new.  I bought three pairs in the space of a week, so overcome was I at the sorry and pathetic state of my shabby footwear.  Yet, it seems silly.  The damn shoes will probably outlive me, and I should be giving things away.  Somehow it feels like surrender, which I’m not ready to do. I’m now thin enough to fit back into things I haven’t worn in five years…which is actually a bad sign (for cancer patients). Strapless summer dresses which expose the scary hyperpigmented areas of skin – scars from taking Alimta and Tarceva; Mod clothing from prehistory…fashion indulgences from a time when I could dream.

I guess that’s what disease robs us of – dreams – of the future, of frivolity, of even the most mundane things.  Mostly, I hate feeling silly for dreaming, yet I can’t help doing either. Which brings me back to the article.  My refrigerator has been on its last leg for a while, but it seems silly to buy a new one, under the circumstances. Appliances are utilitarian to me – they mean nothing unless they enhance a particular interest (in my case, cooking/baking – so a professional, high BTU, 6-burner gas stove with down-draft vent and smokeless grill, outdoor pizza oven, or a warming drawer might excite me). Even then, it’s still ridiculous under the circumstances.  I’d rather go to Italy or New Guinea.

There. With that rant out of the way, I think I better eat some chocolate and be more cheerful in the next post.

And to all you dear friends out there, I’m still breathing (barely), but my lungs sounds like a f*%#ing orchestra of woodwinds and percussion. Oncology appointment on Monday to determine if I should stay on this clinical trial or move on! Thanks for nudging me…I’ve been wondering whether to keep the whining to myself.  Happy to torture the world-wide web with continuous rants!

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6 thoughts on ““The last refrigerator”

  1. Been busy, but you’ve still been on my mind. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole end of days thing that you are facing, not from the scared part, but as you say, the practical part. If I got the word I had one year to live, would I buy new tires for the truck or what… Sheesh, more things to contemplate when all you want to do is live, see, feel and make the most of every day. Although, the outdoor pizza oven sounds like a winner… LOL. Hoping for some sort of good news from the doctors visit, any good news. (((HUGS)))

  2. Hi K –
    Yes, you’re busy—OMG you’re a mad man! How do you do it? I hope the truck is fixed and all. Sounds like you and the Missus had a nice bit of quiet over the holiday. Your brick store sounds like it’s going wild, which is awesome. You are also on my thoughts. I was kinda worried when I didn’t hear from you for a bit, but I don’t see how you even get to read everyone’s blogs. ((HUGS))

    • These are all small worries compared to what you are facing. I did manage to grab a few extra days off my regular job so I can focus on streamlining things at home. Working 28-32 hour shifts the past few days. Sleeping in between things when I can catch it. Mad may be an accurate description. I liken it to the person who starts cleaning up their property right after the house has been blown away by a tornado. You have to do something, right? Standing around and staring at it isn’t going to do anything.

  3. I can relate to that, actually. Before I got sick, every minute of my day was filled with something that, in my mind, was either constructive or fun or necessary. I just wish I had that energy now. I have the drive, just not the physical capacity. I certainly admire you and hope you can sustain that level of activity for years to come! And you cook! You’re totally amazing 😉

  4. Wow, bread baking. Truly a dream of mine. I look forward to hearing ALL about it! I was just thinking of making apple bread, but I’m afraid of not having “the touch”. I’ve had some truly horrible homemade bread, in spite of the romance that surrounds the activity. Bread from a machine doesn’t count! That sounds wonderful (said as I swallow the last crumb of seeded multigrain sourdough with mascarpone and figs). Have a great weekend!

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