Broken. It’s just mind over matter now. Home and rest is so far away…

Getting my brother moved (a Herculean feat) will help my parents’ mental state immensely. But I can’t make up for 30 years of heartbreak and difficulty. And I wasn’t always so understanding of their ordeals in dealing with him.

My Dad’s out of the hospital. He has a leaky heart valve, for which he’ll not be getting open heart surgery. So apparently he’s been sent home to die. Which will get him first–the heart or the cancer or a stroke caused by both…?

I’m crushed and I want to lie in bed and have a good cry. But I can’t. And the bitchy older sister who has heretofore not lifted a finger and refuses to have anything to do with my brother isn’t doing much for my health either. But I’m glad for at least some support. She’s the only one not ill (probably because she has no qualms walking away).

Melodrama, I know. But it really is tragic. I envy people whose lives aren’t one giant inferno.

I’m so tired and sad.


14 thoughts on “Exhausted

  1. Do you need help, Jazz? I can help move. I don’t have a truck, but I can load and unload boxes.

    I’m free Thursday through Saturday. Let me know.


    • Nichole, I adore you for offering to help. Unfortunately, the move is in so. Cal, (also where my parents are), so I’ve been commuting the 450 miles twice a month at least. And, it is a very weird situation…

      But I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope when this blows over we really do get together and catch up.

      I hope you’re giving yourself some “me time” also (at least a mani/pedi!).


  2. Jaz , who’s looking out for you honey ? So sorry your tired and sad 😦 . so wish I could help you feel better . Please try to make the time to care for yourself during your struggles with these family issues …I love you 🙂 xoxoxoxox

    • God? Everyone else is dying, sick, too busy working, or don’t have the leadership skills. No matter what, I’m the only one left to manage all the situations. If I die trying, at least I know I did everything I could for those I love.

      • God? Yes ! I choose to believe even though at times things feel more then we can take . I totally understand the need to take care of your family and I know you will do whatever takes . But as per your own advise ,( I hope you’re giving yourself some “me time” also (at least a mani/pedi!).)
        Love You xoxox

    • The feeling is mutual and I pray we both make it to the end of this year with a light at the end of the tunnel! I’m very happy to see another birthday with you!

  3. Hey Jazz, if you need help moving your brother I’m off work Thursday through Saturday. Let me know. I don’t have a truck, but I can load and unload boxes.

  4. Yikes…you sound really dispirited, tired, etc.! On Amazon this a.m. I saw a book called “Learning to Breathe: my yearlong Quest to bring Calm to my Life”…it got 5*s, cost about $13.00 and is funny but helpful at the same time. It’s by Priscilla Warner. Also check out Louie Schwartzberg (TedX on Utube)…he’s an amazing photographer and a very grounded human being; I watched his 10 minute video this morning called “Gratitude”. We arrived home from Canada last night to news that my 94 yr. old mother totaled her car…she wound up on the doorstep of Walgreen’s but luckily only hurt herself. My sister and brother handled things as well as they could from far away and luckily spared me during our Rockies trip. But I’m the one who lives closest and does most of the caretaking and she’s pretty weepy right now so like you, it’s me to the rescue. However, I do put boundaries around myself, so important for my mental well-being. Hope you can do the same, I know it’s tough but you need arms around you, too. Merde…Patricia

    • Wow, 94 and still driving! That’s amazing.

      I’ve had a few years of relative peace and self-centered focus on survival. This year is just full of catastrophe, and I’m not fortunate to have enough family to take over when I can’t. When 4 out 5 are very ill (two being terminal) and the 5th one puts up boundaries regardless of crises and timeframe, the other 4 must make do. If only my nephew were more of a leader and less like my sister, I could get some rest. Unfortunately, some people must be managed if anything is to be done…

      I’ve just checked out Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking –

      • “The Year of Magical Thinking “is a wonderful book and she’s just come out with a new book about the death of her daughter (at age 39). Pretty grusome subject but it kinda helps to put thing in perspective for me…e.g.it could always be worse. As to my mother…believe me, she will no longer drive. I’ve been very gentle about it because taking away the car means the end of independence and that’s devastating. Be well…patricia

  5. I think i a cue from Jayne Eyre and take to your bed. We will help however we can and this too shall pass. I think we need to plan something fun to look forward to and make it all go away. Spa Day?

  6. Just now catching up on commenting, but know that you’ve been on my mind the whole time. Hoping you catch a break soon. I would talk with the nephew and maybe if you just lay things out, he could be of some use. Even if it’s only to move a single box. Anything is better than nothing. (((HUGS)))

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