It would appear that most people have a low tolerance for dark thoughts. That’s never been true of me – I’ve always been a bit serious…
I met a friend for lunch today and he thought I might post a disclaimer about my true nature versus the face I show on this blog. Most people I know would be surprised if I was less than chipper and laughing. My oncologist worries if I’m not perky, although how one manages being sunny while suffering stage 4 lung cancer is always surprising). I don’t seem to be at death’s door, as this blog may sound, and I actually look alright (no steroid puffiness or skin discoloration, not wearing hats, not hobbling about, thinner than years past).
The truth is, I’m a naturally cheerful person. I leave the dark parts of myself here, work out my thoughts, remind myself what I should be doing, whine…alot. As I’ve said, it’s easy to get distracted and blow off every sort of pressing and truly important business (as relates to health, money, logistics, etc.). I can just waltz into the kitchen and start baking, bills be damned. Do I think of doom and gloom while I’m walking? Not all the time. I have to make myself think of cancer, and how I’m going to manage when I get to the end. I have bouts of sadness and I don’t shy away because it reminds me I’m on borrowed time. And it reminds me that the strongest, most positive among us who have enjoyed an extraordinary reprieve afforded by scientific advances have, in the space of moments, been punished severely then crushed by this brutal disease.
My internal world is dark, full, intense, and I like it that way. What spills out is the tip of the iceberg. But I have to put it down, else it colors my whole day.
Anyway, the lack of privacy settings on this site ensure that all I say is censored, diluted, and somewhat glazed over. It’s the nature of the beast.
So next time I post something whiny and dark, just picture me playing with the cats in the sun, watering the garden, making food, and watching strange films. Because that’s what I mostly do. Even if it seems I might be bawling my eyes out. (Crying is against the rules in this house, as is whining.)