Warm days and wailing cats

1:16 AM.  Today is Earth Day (as soon as the sun rises, anyway)

Yesterday was another gorgeous, warm Spring day.  Spent it indoors, packing.  After missing all these lovely days, I wonder if it wouldn’t be worth extending just a few more days.  Why am I killing myself trying to meet yet another deadline created by an impatient husband?

Max is wailing in the hall.  He’s been dragging his toy across the wood floors like a ghost cat – wailing loudly, mournfully, alternating soft meows with caterwauls.

I can’t see getting to the museum before we move.  That sucks.  I have to burn two days in Denver, which really cramps my style, but breathing comes first.

Motrin.  I’ve been crippled by packing.


Moving. Again.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary OliverNew and Selected Poems

It’s past midnight and I’m standing over the sink eating cold Chinese Crispy Chicken.  Or at least I was.  Now I’m eating rice pudding and wondering if I’ll be standing over the sink at midnight in the kitchen which will be “mine”  in less than two weeks.  The crazy move to southern Cal is under way.  I should be packing like a fiend, but life keeps getting in the way.  I should feel guilty for taking the time to write this, but it’s been weeks, and the Hubs just left for his last So. American business trip for his soon-to-be-former company… so I’m taking a much deserved blog break.  It’s been nuts, and it doesn’t end with the move (as much as Hubs would like to think).

There’s still trips to Denver for treatment, and other related issues.  I met with my new Kaiser oncologist today.  The 3 lbs. I gained seems to be sticking, my blood pressure was good, pulse still fast, but Oxygen level was 99%!! How’s that for one lung?!  I was surprised and delighted.  I gave the new onc a run down on my treatment, and what I had planned for the future (Clovis trial at UCLA).  He seemed agreeable, although he did ask if I’d had Alimta (pemetrexed) or Navelbine (Vinorelbine).  I told him I had horrible tree/plant allergies, and he seemed a bit puzzled but I think my allergy to Taxanes may be more related to the tree (rather than to the solvents).  Anyway, he went on to explain Thalessimia, which had never been mentioned until I got cancer.  I’m 6 years out from diagnosis and no one has ever recommended taking 1mg of folic acid to mitigate this trait until now.  Odd.  Maybe it’s different because he has it too, and knows what a difference the folic acid makes.  I dunno.  Anyway, he didn’t recall meeting me back in 2007.  I told him I’d booked a trip to London on his suggestion that it was 12 hours non-stop and doable.   Not sure if he was amused or bewildered at that tale.

I’ve moved at least 20 times in the past 20 years.  I wonder if I’m deluding myself with the idea I might actually hang pictures at This house, might actually go through and toss all old things, edit what’s left to be relevant and reasonable in quantity.  Whatever that means.  I don’t see why I have to justify the desire for bookshelves or old furniture while the Hubs continually buys gadgets, TV’s, and the darndest things.  It’s maddening.  It’ll get sorted in the unpacking, and I’ll just try to get comfortable without compromising too much of the time I may have left.

As for the issue of Time:  as much as I used to love home improvement and all that, it doesn’t seem a good use of time (unless it’s an absolute necessity).  It’s good for those who have plenty of time on their hands and seem bored.  I’m never bored when I’m on my own, and find there’s not enough time in a day to do everything I want/need.  Decoration fulfills the need for instant gratification, but honestly, at this point, I could give a hoot, even though I hate carpet, beige walls, and the salmon color of the house.  My only plans are to wallpaper the half bath (because I found some great Lucienne Day wallpaper), plant enough stuff to keep the hill from sliding into the house, and display my collection of 1950’s album covers.  Maybe I’ll work on removing some of that beige a little later.  On the other hand, we may move to Holland in a year so what’s the point in that?

The Journey

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life you could save.
― Mary Oliver


Can’t some bright, young minds turn their full and focused attention to finding effective treatments for Leptomeningeal Carcinomatosis?  Please?