Just ‘cuz you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there

Well, maybe.  I’ve had a stiff neck and headache since last night, and I can’t seem to get my head situated on any pillow correctly.  And I have a larger selection of pillows than a bedding store at this point.  This always makes me think, “Brain tumor”.  Cancerland, where every symptom is a landmark.

It’s 100 degrees and cloudy, and the pool is cooler these days.  We no longer run the pump during the day (thereby heating the water with the sun-warmed coils) due to the high cost of electricity between 12 and 6pm.  The sun, while still very bright, now also wanes in its orbit.  Hurray for more shade, but it’s still bloody hot.  I liked 86 degree water quite a bit.  Below that pretty much takes my breath away.  Yes, I’m a wimp (the days of swimming in snow melt and diving in cold darkness are pre-history).

So I’m indulged by air conditioning, in my underwear, cooking fruit and pondering the whole bucket list thing once again.  I caught the tail end of last night’s Stand Up To Cancer broadcast, wherein Tim McGraw sang some song about “living like you’re dying”.  I don’t imagine many terminal survivors savoring their last moments in quite this manner, but I guess I can laugh at the thought when I’m on my death bed.  Mostly, if these are the last figs I get from my father’s trees (as he is as close to death as I, at least), I will have preserved them for a bit longer, and that’s close to my heart.  There is fig chutney (a success, Mum says), fig-orange jam, fig compote, and a peach salsa that’s more of a relish, I’ve decided… I admit to wasting some fruit – just too busy to put them up in time.  Oh well.

My house is still a mess from the onslaught of company in August.  I’ve read the first book of the Hunger Games trilogy.  I’ve somehow fallen out of the mood to make it through the second season of Downton Abbey.  Feel kinda lazy, probably because the heat and lack of shaded walking areas in proximity have turned me into a flabby sloth, along with all the fast food I’ve eaten since moving here.  I disgust myself and am repenting, starting Labor Day.  I’m exercising (today’s walk in 9am heat/sun almost killed me but I’m trying)!  Eating at home (continuing the struggle to find good food…)!  Trying very hard to smile and not complain…

Someone told me when I was first diagnosed that I could finally say NO and “stop taking shit” from people.  I find this to be an untruth.  I have to listen to people bitch about all sorts of things, yet I can’t do the same because then I’m being negative or complaining (even if in theory, I have a reason to be).  I have to be jolly and act like I’m okay, or at the very least, be stoic and not mention how crappy I feel.  I can’t be sad, I have to be diplomatic, I can’t really be honest.  And it appears I have to censor myself on this blog as well.  So peculiar.  Anyway, whatever.  Trying to make lemonade and all that.  Definitely getting old.

So, back to thinking about that bucket list while I’m semi-healthy.  Maybe another month left on this joyride?

My sister-in-law’s husband (does this make him a BIL?) has been in the hospital, on life support for two weeks, not looking good.  Kidneys failing, blood pressure very low,  co-morbidities.  Complex situation.  He’s 34, I think?  The entire family is now on vigil in North Carolina. I wish I could help somehow —

Life is strange, isn’t it?


7 thoughts on “Just ‘cuz you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there

  1. What Jazz, you aren’t gonna go 2.7 seconds on a bull named Blue Man Choo? Come on… you can do it! I dare ya! 😉

    Seriously, that song is a little ambitious. But I still listen to it on my iPhone.

    I’ve read books 1 & 2 of the Hunger Games. I’m on #3. They’re ok. I liked the movie.

    Maybe you don’t see it, because you’re dealing with so much, but you really are an inspiration. You’re kind of a hero. I’m not saying that as a platitude or just to pump you full of sunshine. But you’ve busted the curve for cancer survivors and how many people have you helped with all the experiments that have been done on your body?

    Hero. Fo’ sho.

    • Haha, that’s funny Nichole. Thanks for the laughs, I need ’em. That song is ambitious and just as weird as the rest of their music. Hits the spot though. Yeah I liked the movie too. I thought the books would be written better. Good story, if not entirely original.

      Some days I’m more gyro than hero…

  2. Anyone ever tells you to censor yourself here, let me know so I can threaten physical harm or some such macho crap. I do my fair share of whining, but when faced with what you are going through? It’s like having a stone in my shoe, minor nuisance. In the face of friends lost, I admire your strength, tenacity, your ability to see the wonderful things life has to offer, even while being engaged in the fight for your life. I, all 6’7″, 350 pounds of me, I am small compared to your prescence, I stand in awe of your efforts to push on through this. While I would probably be lying in bed, deep in depression over my condition, you still take time to do see, do, enjoy. Even the things that must be endured, you endure them with grace. So, if anyone has a problem with you taking a bit to be pissy, moan or whine, you give them my number and I’ll take care of it for you. *beats chest* Macho crap. (((HUGS)))

    • Thanks, K. Wow, you’re a big guy! I still don’t know how you get all the stuff done that you do… the baking of bread and fixing of things and mailing out packages of Legos… I wish I had a bit of your energy. You must be at it 24/7. And still have time to read and come by with threats! Gotta love that. Thank you ((hugs))

  3. I, too, admire your perseverence, your courage, your writing talent and maybe most of all, your incredible baking abilities…how delicious does everything you bake sound! And you’re entitled to be depressed, you’ve been dealt a difficult hand but you show great grace and a willingness to help others. So keep on touching all of our lives and realize that we learn alot from you! Patricia

    • Hi Patricia! I hope you are well and in good spirits. It’s not that I’m depressed – mostly I feel I have the right to say things like, “this place sucks!” without other people telling me I’m negative, shouldn’t think that way, or how dare I talk that way. I just want to opine & whine I guess, realizing it’s not good reading. I thank you for your bright outlook though, and for reading!

  4. —-
    you wrote:”Someone told me when I was first diagnosed that I could finally say NO and “stop taking shit” from people. I find this to be an untruth”

    Caroline found this to be an untruth as well. Especially after the first year she was diagnosed. It seems somehow that *some* people start to think\say:
    “Well you still live don’t you? And actually you should already be dead, so good for you!” or “You must be really happy.. The cancer did not show progress!”
    Maybe not their fault, who can understand such a life, but annoying in any case.

    On the other hand: When I tried to cheer her up and get her out of her misery I sometimes succeeded together with her, but sometimes she felt my cheering up and optimistic pep talk behaviour as pressure on her, not to complain or be sad. More talking\communication was the only thing for us to ease this situation. So my way\advice (for what it is worth): Never stop expressing your true feelings. I would make things more complicated eventually.

    For me, I like to read how you really feel whatever that is.

    Kop der veur


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