Surprised and grateful to see 2013. By all accounts, 2012 was a crazy, eventful year, capped by traveling to upstate New York to spend Christmas with Hubby’s family. It snowed quite a bit, and the landscape was old-fashioned-greeting-card picturesque. Just what Hubs wished for.
The return home was an epic of delayed flights. Hence, New Year’s Eve was spent home, as was New Year’s Day. It’s sunny and lovely out now, and I might take up the challenge of a walk. These days it IS a challenge. I’m quite short of breath, my face is rashy, my feet are raw, scalp looks like it’s been eaten by zombies. Oh well.
So what does the new year bring? The search for a new clinical trial, as my December scan showed progression. I’ll stay on this trial as long as I can, but am prepared to get booted soon, as my coughing and pain increases daily, and I’m not sure what the threshold is for acceptable progression. There’s relief in not having to go to Denver biweekly, exchanged for the anxiety that another treatment – if one can be had – will not be effective. A break from these side effects would also be nice, although breathing is more important, of course.
Hubby came home from New Zealand and is foregoing a return based on my health status. This throws the work situation into uncertainty, of course, and I feel responsible. Blasted disease! He’s good at coaxing things out of the woodwork, so we’ll see. The Dutch may come through yet, or the Canadians, or if worse comes to worse, New York. It’s impossible not to compare everything with New Zealand. The only consolation is knowing he can go there and live the life he wants when I kick the bucket.
While I’m happy to be here now, and find things that inspire me to keep going, I’m back to thinking of the inevitable, and maybe I’ve had a pretty long run. I think I’m making peace with possibly dying this year. Maybe I’ve had enough, I’ve put my loved ones through enough, the medical breakthrough we dream of isn’t coming soon enough. When is enough, enough?
I don’t mean to be morbid. I’m hoping I can keep things in perspective and be a little happier, since that seems to be what bothers people the most. (They all think I should be HAPPY… etc) Why I happen to be surrounded by those sorts of people probably stem from being cheerful and stoic all the time. It’s pretty tough and not high on the priority list, so I’m just myself more and more, which is not weepy but not skippy-doo-dah either. I seem to be forming a new year’s resolution list here…
Anyway, Happy New Year to everyone. Wishing health and prosperity, joy, beauty, and strong bonds. Cheers!