7th New Year

Surprised and grateful to see 2013.  By all accounts, 2012 was a crazy, eventful year, capped by traveling to upstate New York to spend Christmas with Hubby’s family.  It snowed quite a bit, and the landscape was old-fashioned-greeting-card picturesque.  Just what Hubs wished for.

The return home was an epic of delayed flights.  Hence, New Year’s Eve was spent home, as was New Year’s Day.  It’s sunny and lovely out now, and I might take up the challenge of a walk.  These days it IS a challenge.  I’m quite short of breath, my face is rashy, my feet are raw, scalp looks like it’s been eaten by zombies.  Oh well.

So what does the new year bring?  The search for a new clinical trial, as my December scan showed progression.  I’ll stay on this trial as long as I can, but am prepared to get booted soon, as my coughing and pain increases daily, and I’m not sure what the threshold is for acceptable progression.  There’s relief in not having to go to Denver biweekly, exchanged for the anxiety that another treatment – if one can be had – will not be effective.  A break from these side effects would also be nice, although breathing is more important, of course.

Hubby came home from New Zealand and is foregoing a return based on my health status.  This throws the work situation into uncertainty, of course, and I feel responsible.  Blasted disease!  He’s good at coaxing things out of the woodwork, so we’ll see.  The Dutch may come through yet, or the Canadians, or if worse comes to worse, New York.  It’s impossible not to compare everything with New Zealand.  The only consolation is knowing he can go there and live the life he wants when I kick the bucket.

While I’m happy to be here now, and find things that inspire me to keep going, I’m back to thinking of the inevitable, and maybe I’ve had a pretty long run.  I think I’m making peace with possibly dying this year.  Maybe I’ve had enough, I’ve put my loved ones through enough, the medical breakthrough we dream of isn’t coming soon enough.  When is enough, enough?

I don’t mean to be morbid.  I’m hoping I can keep things in perspective and be a little happier, since that seems to be what  bothers people the most.  (They all think I should be HAPPY… etc)  Why I happen to be surrounded by those sorts of people probably stem from being cheerful and stoic all the time.  It’s pretty tough and not high on the priority list, so I’m just myself more and more, which is not weepy but not skippy-doo-dah either.  I seem to be forming a new year’s resolution list here…

Anyway, Happy New Year to everyone.  Wishing health and prosperity, joy, beauty, and strong bonds.  Cheers!


5 thoughts on “7th New Year

  1. Happy New Year’s Jazz.

    I’m glad to hear from you. Please don’t be cheerful on my account. You have the right to your own feelings, however they may be. Honesty counts for something, and I’d rather hear your brutally honest thoughts.


    • Hey Nichole,
      I hope your holidays were just what you wanted, and you got a bit of a break. The Bay Area grows ever more distant as time goes on. I went to midnight mass at a beautiful old church in Hudson, NY on Christmas eve. I thought of you as I gazed upon the stations of the cross, and your lovely post about praying for me at Sacre Coeur in Paris. If I never told you how special that made me feel, I’m telling you now. And by the way, you’re the Number 1 commenter on this blog, so Thank You for your love, friendship, and loyalty all these years. ((((HUGS))) and kisses.


      • Hi Jazz,

        I’m sad to say that I still don’t know the Stations of the Cross. But if I was ever moved to faith, it was you who moved me. I think that regardless of religious persuasion, a tiny bit of God lives inside all of us. That’s the part of us that is immortal. Maybe the Buddhists have it right, and we are all one soul. Because even though I haven’t seen you in years, there’s a small part of you that I take with me. You inspire me.


  2. Jazz, good to see a new post from you. I am sorry that this has been a rough year; I for one was not sorry to see 2012 bite the dust. It is tough to face the new year with fresh challenges, but stay hopeful. You and I are out on the long end of the stick (outliers is the preferred term) and it gets more difficult to imagine that there is yet another experimental therapy waiting around the corner (I have returned to a carbo/alimta combo, and the platinum’s kicking my ass). However—I am doing my best to imagine it is so. Just (that is, if you want to) keep saying to yourself I will survive. I will do the same and we will be a chorus 🙂 And about that attitude, I too have struggled to stay happy and have experienced something as of late that I thought I left behind in adolescence; the green monster envy. Oh, to be healthy and happy both (yes, the second part has been a challenge for me as of late as well). Being a long time survivor of a terminal illness comes with some real sucky parts, and one gets tired of handling the situation with grace (I mean, come on now). So girl, I get it. Be you and we’ll muddle through the best we can.


  3. Hello Jazz,

    Yes, it has been a long while since I’ve commented. I was not writing much in 2012. That does not mean I have not been reading, especially the posts of people I care about. I apologize. It’s just where I’ve been at.

    Your New Year post was wonderfully sincere. While our paths are so very different the stops along the way are remarkably similar. I often ‘know’ how you feel
    Whether you comment, vent or simply observe I want you to know that I find you inspirational. Trying to understand our feelings and emotions is a common struggle. Your honesty is terrific and more than once has been the ‘medicine’ I have needed to look at my own situation.

    I will probably now crawl back under my rock. Please know there is another person out there who cares for you very much, appreciates you and has you in their thoughts.

    Wishing you a strong 2013!


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