Under threat of death

“It’s time to discuss end-of-life issues”, the oncologist said. The PET scan of 1/28/13 looked like Las Vegas. I’m supposed to get a port in and start chemo within two weeks. So of course, now I get a minute to try to “enjoy” my stuff, which the Hubs would prefer to throw away. Or as he puts it, “I’m willing to let you have what you need, as opposed to what I prefer.” Of course, it’s a bit late to enjoy my stuff now, but god forbid that hang on his conscience :-/



16 thoughts on “Under threat of death

    • Mark, most of the big books are cookbooks and art, gardening, pop culture “picture” books, that sort of thing. One of the things I miss most about the bay area are the libraries – I was quite a borrower, and did most of my reading that way. I have the usual stuff – Salinger, Hemingway, Dostoevsky, etc, lots of film books. You might like the Joni Mitchell Songbook – her watercolors interspersed with sheet music, “Dreaming With Eyes Wide Open”, the catalogue for the Schwarz Dada-Surrealist show from the Israel Museum (at the Legion years ago), The Theory of the Avant-Garde, by Poggioli, Mythologies, by Roland Barthes… but I bet your bookshelf is more interesting. How about you take a picture and post it? =D

      • I’ll take a look at Barthes and Poggioli; both of those titles are vaguely familiar but have never read them. I’ll facebook my stuff. Makes me remember when I used to be dating; first thing I’d check out (OK well an early thing) was her library. Most folks have a shelf somewhere with some books, and they might even be cookbooks, but which ones is interesting. Then there was the case of a certain friend of ours, who has enough books to stock a small branch library….

    • The “stuff” is the sum total of what makes me, me – the books, cool vintage bar glasses and dishes, music, pictures, vintage clothes (in storage)… things most people display and use on a daily basis. He doesn’t seem to see the link between the objects and the person. Oddly enough, I was able to cram all this stuff into the small apartments I’ve lived in! Anyway, he’s far from being a minimalist so perhaps our visions of what makes a home clash.

      • Didn’t he do the Grimm’s Fairy Tales? Really spooky stuff. A lot of Northern European folklore art, if I’m correct. You are absolutely right. That is exactly my cup of tea.

  1. Jazz—I don’t like hearing that your PET has anything at all in common with Las Vegas. Just want you to know that I’m pulling for you and hoping that chemo kicks the cancer’s ass and that you can just toss those end of life discussions. And keep your stuff.

    love, Linnea

    • Thanks, Linnea. I’m on my way to Chemoland so I’ll join you in a session of visualization! Dr. Camidge gave me the feeling I may be able to get back on my feet and fight to keep my stuff, so for now I’ll have the end of life discussion and move my things into the light where I can see them! I’m pulling for you always, and all our sisters in battle.


  2. Funny part is, we always think we’ll have more time. Yet, time is one of the precious commodities we have no idea how much we’ve been blessed with and very few ways to get more of it when it’s running low. I recall the post you made about talking about death, it was something I watched a few times. I guess that the reason that people grieve when others die is a very selfish reason, we miss that person from our lives.

    We never really get over something like someone we love dying, I think we just get better at dealing with the hole in our hearts that is left when they do. I hold hope for you. I hope you can beat this, with all my heart I do, but you are right, let’s talk death. We always think we’ll have more time, but then, one day, we don’t. So, if you want something done with your things, you better let those wishes be known clearly now.

    Fight as long and as strong as you can. But also be prepared for what may come. Make your days as simple and wonderful as you can, enjoy every minute of every day, grab life and ride it to the bottersweet end. Hopefully another few years at the very least. You know I’m around if you need to talk. (((HUGS)))

    • Hugs back, K. Good words to live by, what you said, and I’m coming round to changing my very poor track record with time management. Prioritizing seems to have become a weak point in recent years, and that needs to change right now. Old habits die hard but I’m determined to get things in order and live as simply and joyfully as I can for a bit longer, I hope!

  3. Ah Jazz, the lights should be shining around you, not in you. What a shit! Did you have the discussion with your onc, or is this saved for another day?


    • Hi Gail – yeah, no matter what we think we expect, it still blows us out of the water when a guy in a white coat hands you the POLST form and says it’s time to have THE talk. Perhaps that’s why Dr. Camidge doesn’t wear a lab coat! The saying, “the story you dwell on is the one that gains power” is very true. It helps to have another perspective to kick that story to the side and create a more positive one. Maybe it’s just a different spin but I’ll take a confidence booster any day of the week! On a positive note, lab coat onc finally put an end to my pain, and for that I’m forever grateful! It’s amazing feeling normal makes one think it’s possible to continue living for just a bit longer…

  4. You’re such a fighter that I can’t imagine you not roaming the earth!!! I imagine that this came as quite a shock to you no matter how deep in your bones you knew it to be true. As you continue on your journey I hope that you understand that it’s harder on the people you leave behind than on you yourself. Rest assured that you will leave alot of grieving people behind; including those (myself) who have never met you! xxox, Patricia

    • I second that emotion, Patricia. I vote we meet and take that part out of the equation, at least! Hoping I’ll be functional when you come out this way!

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