Full moon rant

Amazing full moon, this one.  Its silver light blasts sharp shadows into the room.  The romance of sleeping in moonlight is eternal for me.  It’s accompanied my fondest memories – in the mountains, by the sea, in snowy landscapes, in sage-scented deserts, on creaky porches and lifeguard towers and dormitory rooms… I am filled with joy, thinking of moon-washed fragments.  I must do it more often – in meditation!  Good idea…

I’m hopelessly — something.  It’s a claustrophobic combination of cabin fever, chemo fog, low-blood-counts-breathlessness and fatigue, and being absolutely sick of feeling unwell.  It’s been almost two months since my last trip to Denver.  I’m not sure what I was expecting but apparently I didn’t expect to feel so crappy.  Obviously I wasn’t expecting to go, otherwise I’d be resigned to feeling this way.  And some days, I think, “Maybe I’m not going to get better.  Maybe the bastard really is taking over my body and it’s time to quit effing around and get on with the whole hospice/palliative care thing.”  But then I’ll have a day when I think, “It’s a good day to make pizza, lemon curd, and pistachio paste!!  I think I’ll sew today!”  I don’t do any of those things, of course, but I manage to go for a walk, do some laundry, maybe get out one email, and entertain the idea of a bit more time.  I just want to feel good enough to do something, for chrissakes.  This lying around is making me angry and bored, not to mention dumb.

So, I opened a Twitter account – but not for social reasons.  I thought it might stimulate my brain a bit.  It seems to be working.  For now I’m following ASCO and all these oncology-related things, a couple of authors, one director, Al Gore, and Jamie Oliver.  I’m also trying Pinterest, but find that it frustrates me.  It makes me miss all the things I love – travel, adventure, the outdoors, good food, gardening, dreaming, being physical, decorating… things that require one bottom-line thing: feeling good enough to commit to the minimum physical exertion/effort necessary to accomplish at least one thing at a time.  Some days I have it, most days I don’t.  It makes activities that require several steps difficult.  I’ve done some pinning, which  is a huge time suck.  I’ve not tweeted, as I know no one and have to learn how it all works (such a noob!).  I’m not sure I have anything to say… yet.  I’m open to advice and #FF though, from any of you savvy social networkers (hello, old Vox friends).  I’m @OldModster.  Of course 😉  I have no idea who the heck those followers are or where they came from.

I’ve let quite a few things go, like gardening.  Hubs does it all, which is a lot. He’s put trees in the ground (we have apricots!), fixed and installed sprinklers, ripped out unwanted plants, cut the tall grass for compliance, fights a neverending war with gophers and snails, and is willing to take direction, if I’d just give it.  I don’t ask him to do much more because he doesn’t like “messy” trees (flowering dogwoods and magnolias, my favorites), and he has a zillion other projects.  Raised beds won’t happen this year, and maybe never will.  It’s too bloody hot, anyway.  I may be inspired now, but in another month or two, I’ll be seeking escape or be in no better shape, so no maintenance is the best idea.

Having said all this, part of what’s sapping what little energy/motivation I have is how depressed I feel about my family’s health.  My father has stage IV cancer as well, my brother is unwell physically and mentally and has been cared for single-handedly by my mother.  She has been ill the past two days with a crushing headache and vomiting, yet refuses to see a doctor.  I brought food and meds one night, and offered to pick both up to stay with me for a couple of days so I could care for them, but they declined.  It’s difficult for me to stay at their house, but mostly I wanted to keep an eye on my mom and prevent my dad from disturbing her (she’s his caregiver too).  My brother’s not well and my low blood counts put me at risk for catching whatever he’s going through (pneumonia? respiratory infection?), but I plan on bringing him food and meds, as he has no transportation and appears to be a shut-in these days.  The only healthy person is my sister, who lives in Northern Cal and remains largely uninvolved…

The only solution is for me to get better.  I can’t die yet – I’ve got to work out how my parents and brother will be cared for.  Since I’m dumb and dumber, I see social worker consultations on the horizon…




3 thoughts on “Full moon rant

  1. Hi Jazz,

    I wish I could make you feel better. You need someone to take care of you! But the best I can do is share this link to these adorable French cats.

    Silly, I know. But they made me smile. Boop!


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