Photo of the day: Max turning the corner.
Chasing pain at 4 a.m. is a drag. I’ve got to get this pain under control or learn to be an extreme morning person (Not!). What tends to happen is, breakthrough pain jars me awake, I pop a pill, I read or scroll through Pinterest (never underestimate the power of brainless distraction to alleviate misery), then go back to sleep when the pain subsides. Occasionally I’ll eat a bowl of cereal to counteract the nausea sure to follow the pain pill, but going downstairs is an enormous pain so I try to ignore the nausea. Pain like this is more than an inconvenience, it’s complex – a lifestyle change, even. I won’t bore you with details – just the hope you never suffer it. This really throws into question just how long it will take to enroll in the clinical trial I’ve signed consent forms for. The pain is alarming and I can’t believe bad things aren’t happening to cause it.
Better step up efforts to find an acupuncturist! Making plans has always been difficult. Hubs has a trade show in Nashville in December. The plan is to join him, but I wonder where – or if – I’ll be then. Not being dramatic – I see people who wait forever to get onto trials then die a few weeks later. I don’t want to be that person and it begs the question – Do I really trust the oncologist who says i’ll be okay for a month ? Maybe I’m being a big baby but I can’t believe this kind of pain is business as usual.
Lately I’ve had a spate of “follows” unmatched even by traffic from Vox days. Not sure if this has anything to do with NaBloPoMo, but unlike years past, I find it harder to post daily. It feels like a lot of whining about pain, cancer, death, what I can no longer do, etc., ad nauseam. I have a zillion interests, yet find myself mostly internalizing, realizing that most of what I share here isn’t what I want most to write about. I have a great deal to say, I just question if blogging is the right outlet for such thoughts. The beauty of blogging, though, is just that: the blogs that move me are the ones which expose one’s inner life, because we’re all balls of vulnerability, whether or not we know it. That’s the golden moment – the period of innocence preceding life lessons. If there was anything I’ve loved more than great memories, it would be the innocence and spontaneity that led to carpe diem. How I miss those days…
This morning’s pain was eased by morphine and this blog. Keep on writing, everyone!