Cancer sucks

I didn’t realize Mick Karn, bassist for the group Japan, died last year from advanced cancer.


There is a light that never goes out

I’m scared I’ve waited too long to get into treatment.  My body is racked with pain.  Maybe it’s just the cold but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t frightened.  My neck’s been bothering me for weeks and well, that’s how it is.

Full moon

Amazingly brilliant, cloudless sky, full moon lighting the water and the land.  I wish I could fly at low altitude and view the landscape in the silver, mysterious light.  Perfect night to cross-country ski or snowshoe across a meadow.  Yosemite Valley comes to mind, and ye olden days of yore.

I thrilled at the moon this morning, driving back from another 5 a.m. airport drop.  Another clear, sunny day… dry as a stick. We could really use some rain.

Didn’t do much except talk to Jules for 3 hours 9 minutes, which wasn’t nearly enough to catch up but any start is a good one.  2011 was rough on everyone.  Her Mom’s death continues to burn her heart and soul; so many unanswered questions.  No time for closure, things happened so quickly.  An old friend blew in from nowhere like an angel on a wing – Joan.  It’s peculiar how reconnections happen, and it’s just what she needed.  Be nice to have a reunion (a high school beauty queen reunion, those two).

I was supposed to go to Ohio with M for a bit.  Shortness of breath and a long flight doesn’t seem like a bright idea.  I see the doc tomorrow.  He said I could go, but I question the wisdom of unnecessary effort with the possibility of (traveling to) Denver looming in the near (I hope) horizon.  So instead, I have to deal with crazy cats bringing in mice that they then release in the kitchen.  Grrrr!  M has a talent for catching them by their tail and releasing them into the wild.  He’s all animals’ best friend.  I don’t have the energy for that.  I’m pretty sure I’ll be buying the evil mousetraps soon.  I’m no killer – that’s what cats are for!!  Sigh.

Holed up in the princess room with oil heater, down comforter, tea…haha, also big screen tv, faerie lights, laptop…Saw a couple of good movies – “Beginners” and “The Guard”.  Gay behavior and lung cancer in the first one, loads of cursing and vulgar/racist behavior in the second.  Quirky, funny, raunchy, well-written, directed, and performed.

Lots on my plate this week – all admin stuff 😦  Will have to watch all of the first season of Portlandia and clear out the DVR of home improvement shows.


The Last Days of 2011

Or…things that make me want to live longer.

Like the smell of hot milk.

Or the glimmer and smell of a fresh tree, delivered fully decorated, a surprise from a dear friend.

Or being greeted by flowers and pampering after a lung biopsy.

Or a lung biopsy that goes well, with a male nurse (Manny) who made sure I felt no part of the procedure unlike last time, a technician (Cassandra) who’s done my scans for the last five years, with whom I can talk books and life, a Japanese-Irish surgeon named Eamon Keniiche Kato who checked on me twice in the recovery room and called M personally after the procedure, and nurses Marietta and Molly who nourished my soul and my hunger before and after the procedure.  (Note to self:  always schedule outpatient surgery for the day before a holiday weekend, when no one else is having anything done, and you have all the nurses to dote on you.)

For this I feel truly blessed, happy to be alive and breathing.

It’s a sunny and brisk New Year’s Eve.  I may not be able to party the night away but it just drives home the knowledge that there are millions of people around the world who are lonely and alone, hungry and otherwise in a bad situation on this night.  Specifically I think of my brother, so this would be a good day to heal the bonds and start anew.

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we’ll take a cup o kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.


We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.


We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.


And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

“Today is the last day of 2011. The last day of the last year in which Caroline lived.”

There is so much to this that resonates with me.  Her husband JW has posted a year-end review of 2011 and a memorial video of a New Year’s Eve tradition they followed in the short time they shared together.

I may do a year end redux, painful as 2011 was.  I have hope for 2012.

There are a million ways to go

…and I want to go in a Jaguar E-type hearse!  (at least to the crematorium)

One of my favorite films/soundtracks of all time, Harold and Maude (god bless Hal Ashby and Cat Stevens!).  Such beautiful views of the SF Bay area (pre-development…).

Eddie Vedder cover here (although he scrambles some of the lyrics).