In Memoriam

NAOMI MATSUNOBU  RIP  December 2, 2010

I sometimes hold it half a sin
   To put in words the grief I feel;
   For words, like Nature, half reveal 
And half conceal the Soul within.

But, for the unquiet heart and brain,
   A use in measured language lies;
   The sad mechanic exercise,
Like dull narcotics, numbing pain.

In words, like weeds, I’ll wrap me o’er,
   Like coarsest clothes against the cold:
   But that large grief which these enfold
Is given in outline and no more.

           ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson


RIP Caroline Top Meijerink

Sorrow knows no bounds. Rest in slumber, brave warrior, gentle, happy spirit, sister in battle.

Your courage and dream lives on in all who fight this cruel fate.  The stars shine brighter now, joined by your light.

Snow’s too deep to gather walnuts

That’s about how I’m feeling these days.  Time to stop standing around in the shower, crying, and venture out of the dark world of the past month.  On the other hand, I’m finally grieving openly (the husband is traveling so I have time to!).

A bit of holiday decoration for the house, preparating for a real Christmas tree.  It’s been eight years since our last one.  It’s now 20 feet tall, growing in my sister’s front yard.  Cancer pretty much drained us of the whole materialistic, celebratory drive that the holidays have become.  Mostly we snuggled with tea and cookies in a minimally decorated house and watched the ruthless shopping days tick by, or traveled somewhere.  This year there’s a new rug for the living room, lights…I even bought a holiday tablecloth!  So I’m trying.  But it’s been pretty tough.

My brother was hospitalized over Thanksgiving, and I fear it marks the beginning of chronic pulmonary problems.  This adds to the stress and burden my parents are already bearing at their old age (a very sad, sensitive situation).

My friend Naomi, whom I met on Vox, passed away on December 2nd.  If I could honor her memory by having one iota of the character and composure she displayed throughout her cruel battle with lung cancer, I might do justice to this fight.  I say this as the fear of progression and metastasis grows within me, bourne of nagging pains I didn’t have a month ago.  I’ve actually taken a Vicodin to sleep, and am thinking about it again!  Her Mom has graciously offered to help me, which is an incredible blessing, as I don’t really have an advocate and she has far more combat experience.

Finally, my sister-in-law called this morning with news that an X-ray for carpal tunnel in my brother-in-law’s right arm led to a CT scan which showed a mass in one of his lungs.  The primary doctor was certain enough of the findings to obtain an oncology appointment for him.  Diagnosis is not confirmed, but they’re gearing up for the worst.

It’s said that the mind shuts down in times of duress in order to protect one from pain.  The day of Naomi’s passing was surreal.  Her Mom called as I wandered aimlessly around Target, looking at curtains and what not.  My mind went blank the moment I saw the call come in.  I literally couldn’t say or ask anything—I knew.  I had known for weeks that this call would come.  In spite of my relief that Naomi no longer suffered, I was overcome with loss and a deep, deep sadness.  I suddenly felt so alone on the ice floe that cancer had relegated us to.  The frozen waters were taking my companions one by one, and I was out there, in the darkness, without her hand to hold or the bit of light she cast.

As I crawled in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I couldn’t for the life of me recall  whether I had loaded the groceries into the car or where I had disposed of the cart.  I tried to visualize myself placing bags in the car, but, nothing.  I was amazed to find my purchases in the trunk.  That was scary.

I need to shake off this funk and do something constructive.  I need to get my affairs in order…sigh.  I keep saying that.   I suppose I really just need to work through all of this so I can move on.  I’m very tired and I wish I could sleep for a hundred years.

On a lighter note, I had dinner with friends/ex-coworkers the other night.  It was wonderful, full of lively conversation and laughter.  It brought me into the world for a bit and really helped my psyche.  I miss those friendships and the social life of work.

Today is the three-year anniversary of Bruno’s death.   I’m sure he was fully realized in his last life and hope he is someone or something distinguished in his new life.

Had we but world enough and time

Farewell, dear friend.

Naomi passed away yesterday.  My spiritual sister in battle, she carried the burden of cancer with fine grace, humor, and wit.  The world that was blessed by her creative spark is now punished by her loss.

Many thanks  and wishes of peace and comfort to her wonderful, incredible parents.

I can’t upload audio from my computer

WP says my files don’t meet the security guidelines.  WTF?  So not only did my audio not import, but neither did the comments.  And for the life of me I can’t determine how all the media is sorted.  There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the way it shows up in the gallery.  Not chronological or anything.  Help!

Edit, 3 hours later: I’ve been a blog repair junkie for three days now, trying to link video, retrieve comments from photos, and restore tags onto posts.  It’s exhausting and ridiculous.  Who has time for this?  Is it worth it?  I read somewhere that the Blog-into-book idea costs $300 or something.  Wow, really?

So if I’m going to be forced to learn all this stuff, then I suppose I need to consider a self-hosted blog.  It’s just that bad.  <frowning><drinking more coffee at 5:30 pm>

Kicking the dead Vox horse

I was strolling the ghost town that is Vox, watching the tumbleweeds blow by, hoping to find late-breaking revelations of another blogging Shangri-La, when I came upon this on Dewitte’s Vox.  Seems apropos, or maybe ironic.  I think the telling thing may be all her references to “narcissistic” and “I’m not that caring.”  So she profiles the uses of blogging, but admits she’s not about the people so much as she is about the phenomenon (read: business opportunity).  Anyway.